


Remembering Home

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 06:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11503254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: Post Endgame. A story of quiet reflection and realization in two parts. One from Chakotay’s POV and the other from Kathryn’s POV.





	1. Chakotay’s POV

Chakotay stood on a bluff looking out over the land below his cousin’s house. The wind buffeted his hair and billowed through the loose shirt he wore. He’d been staying here with his cousin for a few days now, doing nothing very much at all. He peered over the edge of the rocky outcrop, and down the steep slope as it fell away from him. He thought to himself that this pretty much signified his life just at this moment. He was teetering right on the brink of something, but what it was, he didn’t know.

They had arrived home about 2 months ago, their seven year odyssey at last at an end. After the initial shock had worn off, jubilation had taken hold and the crew had partied and celebrated all the way back to Earth. Word had come through not long after their arrival that the Maquis would be free to go. Their outstanding arrest warrants revoked and all criminal charges dropped, back pay would be granted and commissions would stand. Their homecoming was all they had dreamed of. They were lauded and feted and hailed as heroes. Families were reunited and relationships and friendships re-established. There had been some sad moments when the families of those crew members that hadn’t survived were met with and consoled, but on the whole their return was all they could have ever wanted.

The debriefings were arduous, especially for the command team, but the Admiralty and Starfleet in general had been most accommodating in regard to their time and circumstances, making the process as painless as they possibly could. Once they were over, they were all given 3 months of fully paid leave with the option of taking more time if they felt it was needed. Counsellors were on hand to deal with any fall out or emotional traumas, and they had been encouraged to seek help if they needed it. So far Chakotay hadn’t felt the need for any counselling. He’d spent a lot of his time meditating and going on vision quests. They had been helpful but he was still slightly troubled.

Having spent several weeks with Seven of Nine and her family, he had finally come here for some peace and quiet. The problem was that the quiet only allowed his inner voices to speak louder and more persistently. He was unsure of where his life was going at this point in time.

Seven was ambivalent about their relationship, and didn’t seem all that perturbed about his absence. The great love affair that seemed to have been blossoming on Voyager had very quickly fizzled out to nothing. Neither of them seemed terribly enthusiastic about trying to rekindle it, so the flame had slowly but surely petered out. The fact that he wasn’t particularly upset by the end of the relationship assured him of the good sense in not pursuing it. What was that saying about flogging a dead horse?

As for the rest of the crew, they seemed to be getting on with their lives. He’d heard from B’Elanna. Her life had begun anew. With their combined back pay she and Tom had been able to afford a lovely house not too far from Tom’s parents. Miral was thriving, the apple of her grandparents’ eyes and Owen and Elizabeth Paris had fallen head over heels in love with their new daughter in law. Tom had reconciled with his father and their relationship was going from strength to strength. They were truly happy and he was so pleased for them. B’Elanna was even making tentative steps towards repairing the fractured relationship with her own father. It did his heart good to know that she was happy and content. The fulfilled and happy B’Elanna of today was a far cry from the angry and bitter young woman whom he’d known back in the early days of the Maquis. She and Tom were just some of the many success stories that had emerged from the Voyager experience.

Harry was another one. His fiancé Libby had waited for him. Once she knew he was alive and making his way back to Earth, she had decided that she would have faith and wait for his safe return. They had taken up where they’d left off and were extremely happy.

Tuvok was also now fully recovered. His family were relieved to have him home and the Fal-tor-Voh ritual had been a total success and he was completely cured of his degenerative neurological disease.

It seemed that all the crew were settled and happy with their lives. He knew he should be too but there was this persistent niggle, almost like he’d forgotten something important but couldn’t remember what it was. His inner voices were loud and strident but he couldn’t make out what they were saying or what they were trying to tell him.

His thoughts drifted to Kathryn. He hadn’t seen her since the end of the debriefings, some six or so weeks ago. He smiled to himself. She’d been so relieved to have finally completed her ‘inquisition’ as she referred to it. The Admiralty had been very thorough, and every order and decision she’d made during her seven years as captain of Voyager had been looked at in irritatingly close detail. She would pass him in the corridors of Starfleet headquarters occasionally and smile at him and roll her eyes. He would give her a sympathetic smile and a nod in return as they went their separate ways.

Her homecoming had been bitter sweet. Her mother and sister had been there to meet them and she had greeted them with such relief and joy. Her ex fiancé, Mark, had also been there to welcome her home. Chakotay had watched quietly as she’d hugged him awkwardly, as only ex-lovers can do. No-one else had noticed the gleam of tears in her eyes as she’d turned away. He sighed to himself. Some of the sacrifices they’d made during their time away had been profound. The losses, while they had been tens of thousands of light years away and unable to do anything about them, had been tolerable, but when confronted with them in the stark reality of their homecoming, it made it difficult not to feel the renewed pain of lost chances and roads untravelled. His heart had ached for her. He’d watched her later, filled with admiration for this extraordinary woman, as she’d shaken herself, taken a deep breath and plastered a smile on her face to greet the rest of the crew’s families and friends, as well as having to deal with the Admiralty and the press.

With his thoughts of Kathryn the niggle had now become an uncomfortable buzz and he’d had to physically jolt himself out of his reverie.

Frowning, he took one last look out over the darkening landscape and turning, he headed back towards the house.

He was alone at the moment. His cousin was away and he had the house to himself for the next week. He was enjoying his solitude. It was somewhat of a novelty and something he hadn’t experienced for many years. Even when he’d been on his own on Voyager, there had always been the hum of life around him and the constant tension of imminent danger sitting at his shoulder. It had taken him several weeks to lose the feeling of apprehension and vigilance that had ruled his life on board ship. He’d found the transition difficult at first, but slowly he’d learned to relax again and to shake the feeling of constant dread that had been so much a part of their lives in the Delta Quadrant.

He moved around the small house and turned on the lights in the kitchen and the living room. It was almost dinner time and he decided to make some soup to have with the bread he had made earlier that day. He pottered quietly in the kitchen, heating his soup and slicing thick slabs of the home baked bread. Taking his meal out to the porch, he sat in the old rocking chair and ate, watching the last rays of the sun as it set behind the mountains to the west. He put his plate aside as the last remnants of the purples and oranges of the sunset faded into grey. The moon was rising and bathed the landscape in an eerie glow. He could hear the crickets and other night creatures as they chirped and scurried about in their hunt for food. His senses seemed to be especially acute and focussed tonight. The smell of the forest hung heavy in the air and each breath he took was laced with the perfumes of different flowers and trees. His eyes seemed able to see into the dark and discern the shape of animals and insects foraging and flittering in the inky dark underbrush. The buzz in his gut vibrated again.

He looked up at the moon through the lacework of trees and his mind transported him back five years to a night much like this one on a far away planet they’d called New Earth. The sounds, the scents and the warm caress of the wind sparked a memory so vivid that he could almost hear her voice as she called his name. The niggle that had become a buzz, now became an overwhelming thrum of emotion. He knew now what he’d forgotten. He’d forgotten them. As they were and as they were meant to be. His breath caught as he tried to inhale, but the sudden release of emotions and their acknowledgement was making it difficult to take a steady breath. He closed his eyes and extended his senses again. He pictured her in his mind’s eye, her hair loose about her shoulders, her face glowing and slightly flushed from ambling through the forest that had surrounded their home, and her husky voice saying his name as only she could.

“Chakotay.” He smiled as he listened to the sounds of the forest as they became the accompaniment to her sultry tones.

“Chakotay.” He took a deep breath as the long absent peace settled over his soul.

He whispered into the night. “Kathryn.”

Then he felt it. A touch, so soft as to almost not be there. He opened his eyes slowly and was met with an apparition. She was kneeling beside his chair, her hair was loose about her shoulders, her face was slightly flushed and there was a gleam of tears in her eyes.

He stared, unsure if this was real or just a figment of his desperate imagination. She reached up again and stroked over his brow. “Chakotay,” she whispered and smiled at him. A lone tear lit a shimmering trail down her cheek. She was real.

He breathed her name as he leant forward and pulled her on to his lap. “Kathryn.” He held her close, his arms wrapped around her as she melted into his embrace.

“Kathryn. I remembered. I finally remembered.” He could feel her head nod against his shoulder. “I love you.”

She didn’t move, but he could feel her smile and then she whispered the words that would make him whole again. “I love you too, Chakotay.”

He took a deep breath, one that seemed to reach his very soul. It felt like the first deep breath he’d taken in years.

He was at peace at last.


	2. Kathryn’s POV

Kathryn took a long slow breath and exhaled slowly. It was Sunday afternoon in Indiana. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and there was a sense of languorous lethargy in the air. Lunch was over and Phoebe and her family had just left. The cleaning up was done and her mother was in the kitchen putting away the last of the leftovers. Kathryn stood on the porch and looked out over the endless golden cornfields that surrounded her home.

Home. The word resonated through her mind and her body. It had been the beacon that had driven her forward all these years, the gold at the end of the rainbow, her reason for struggling through each day, and now she was here.

But she wasn’t.

They’d burst through the shattered remnants of the Borg sphere into Federation space, after a harrowing trip through the transwarp conduit. Barrelling through the fiery debris they had come face to face with an armada of Starfleet vessels. The moment had been sublime. She’d been momentarily overwhelmed, stunned beyond belief that they had actually done it, but almost instantly duty had intervened. After a quick word with Admiral Paris, Tom left for sickbay and then she’d ordered Chakotay to take his place at the helm. Walking slowly across the deck, she’d taken her seat and ordered him to head for home. There was that word again. All encompassing, that one syllable that held all her hopes and dreams.

The crew had been jubilant. She’d spent several hours wandering the corridors, and where ever she went she was met with happy smiling faces. She was hugged and congratulated and thanked by all her crew many times over. After briefly attending the party on the holodeck, she had retired to her ready room and had taken her usual place at the viewport gazing at the beautiful blue planet spinning slowly below her.

She’d quietly thanked Admiral Janeway again and wished her a safe journey. The older woman’s dream had been fulfilled and tomorrow they would be landing in the grounds at Starfleet. Home at last.

Starfleet had contacted her soon after their arrival and it had been her delightful duty to inform the crew that the Maquis had been exonerated. All charges and warrants had been revoked and they would be free to go after debriefings were over. She’d seen Chakotay give Seven a triumphant smile and it had warmed Kathryn’s heart. He seemed happy, and that was all she’d ever wanted for him.

She’d watched as the continent of North America came into view. In less than 12 hours they would be back on Earth. She waited for the joy to bubble up and overflow but it didn’t. It was like there was some barrier holding her happiness at bay. Something was stopping her from indulging in the overwhelming joy that the crew was feeling. It unsettled her and she was at a loss as to the reason why. With a troubled frown she sat and stared at her home planet as it spun slowly before her.

Tom had come to visit with Miral. It had been her first cuddle with Voyager’s newest crewmember. Tom was bursting with pride and had sat with Kathryn for quite sometime as she held his beautiful newborn. She’d tried to ignore his intense stare, but she’d noticed his frown as he’d looked at her. She could tell he was puzzled by her reticence and to be honest, so was she. She’d put it down to the shock and suddenness of their arrival. There were a few things she needed to process in her mind before she could completely relax. The thought of debriefings weighed heavily on her mind and she was still reeling from the shock of meeting and dealing with her future self. Perhaps that was what this was all about. She was a little fearful of becoming the cynical and bitter old woman who had so willingly sacrificed her life to bring Voyager home.

The sacrifice she could understand. It was something she would have also done, had the need arisen. What she did have trouble coming to terms with was the aura of profound sadness that had surrounded the older woman. What had happened to that Kathryn Janeway to make her so unhappy? This was a puzzle that would never be solved, but her sacrifice had been a worthy one. Those 22 crew members were still alive, Tuvok would be well and Seven and Chakotay would live and love for many years. It had been a success. Why then did she feel like she’d failed? She shook her head and decided not to think about it now and to deal with some of the reports that would no doubt be needed for her debrief.

Their final approach to Earth had been spectacular. Tom had swung low over the Golden Gate Bridge, the battered but proud ship swooping over the Bay and through a barrage of fireworks and flares. All their families and friends had been there to greet them. Kathryn had almost been bowled over by her mother and Phoebe, and being held in their arms was the most wonderful and healing experience. Even though her heart was full, she felt a little like she was watching all of this from afar. She’d turned to find Mark standing there, waiting. She’d hugged him hesitantly. It had been an awkward and uncomfortable reunion. The last time he’d held her in his arms had been the morning before she’d left for her three week mission. They had just made love and he’d scooped her into a loving embrace. This embrace was cold and rigid and it vividly brought back to her all the feelings of loss and sacrifice that she had endured over the years. Tears pricked her eyes and she’d had to look away from him. Her control had returned swiftly and she had smiled happily at the crew as they’d introduced their families and friends. Eventually she’d been ushered away to meet with the Admiralty and the press. She’d smiled and charmed her way through the afternoon, but still there was a piece of her that was missing and for the life of her she couldn’t fathom what it was or where it had gone.

The debriefings were as arduous as she imagined. They questioned her on almost every decision and order she’d made during the last seven years. It had been exhausting and frustrating. Occasionally she would run into members of her crew being escorted up and down the corridors of Starfleet headquarters. She’d seen Chakotay a few times as well. It had been good to see him and she would smile and roll her eyes at him and he would smile sympathetically in return. His debriefings were probably just as intense as hers, so she knew he would understand her irritation. He always understood her anyway. Her thoughts, now that they had strayed to him, took her back again to the day of their arrival. He’d been met by his cousin, a man of very similar looks and stature to her first officer. She’d wanted to introduce Chakotay to her mother and sister but he’d been bustled off to meet Seven’s relatives and the opportunity had passed her by. Kathryn had watched from a distance. Seven seemed comfortable around her newly found family and for this she was pleased. She’d not seen Chakotay since the debriefings had ended and Tom had later informed her that Chakotay was staying with Seven and her family in Norway and resting up after the ‘inquisition’.

That strange hollowness visited her again and she frowned as she looked over the fields of corn undulating in the breeze as far as the eye could see.

It reminded Kathryn of a great golden ocean with its swells and eddies. It was mesmerising.

She stood on the porch, her mind meandering from one memory to another until her daydream was shattered by her mother calling from the kitchen. There was a communication for her. Kathryn took one last look at the view and then turned and moved into the house to take the call.

An hour or so later Kathryn was sitting out on the porch again, this time reading, or trying to read. Her mother sat across from her knitting. Her thoughts were unsettled. The call had been from B’Elanna. She’d just heard from Chakotay. He was now staying with his cousin in Ohio and it seemed that his relationship with Seven was over. She was sorry that it had ended but that wasn’t what had disturbed her so. All of a sudden that strange hollowness that had been haunting her since their return had become this persistent lump. It sat just under her ribs and no amount of swallowing or moving seemed to shift it. She was agitated and distracted and decided that sitting was not doing her any good. She tossed her book on the chair as she stood, and told her mother she was going for a walk. She bounded down the steps and headed down to the path that ran along the fence line of the farm.

Ambling along, she kicked tufts of grass and dandelions as she went. She watched as the tiny feathered seeds were caught by the wind and carried off to places unknown. They reminded her a little of her life now, drifting aimlessly on the breeze with no particular destination in mind. Her walk had carried her down to the river that ran along the border of her family’s farm. The wind whipped her hair around her face and the setting sun glinted off the water like stars. The air was filled with the sounds of a late summer’s afternoon. The crunch of the dry grass underfoot, the clicking of grasshoppers as they flew from her path and the quiet lap of the water as the breeze pushed miniature waves against the shore. The sun was setting now and the sky was awash with purples and oranges. It lit the world in a warm amber glow. She rounded the bend in the river and there in front of her, resting half submerged on the embankment, was an old wooden boat. A boat. She stood stock still, her breath hitched and her whole body began to tremble. The boat. She stared at it for several minutes, lost in memories. Her mind took her back some five years before to a planet thousands of light years away. She relived the moments as if it were yesterday. Her hands were dirty, her mind was clear and free, and she was laughing as he teased her about taking her bath on a boat trip up the river. That lump that had been sitting in her chest swelled and grew until a joyous laugh burst forth and tears poured down her cheeks. She understood now. She remembered. She turned on her heel and ran all the way home. She took the steps two at a time and ran past her startled mother who was still sitting on the porch. Almost yanking the door off its hinges, she plunged into the house and ran to the comm. calling B’Elanna.

The address, what was Chakotay’s cousin’s address? B’Elanna reeled off the co-ordinates in between laughter and tears. Kathryn thanked her and leaping up on to the transporter, was gone before her mother had made it through the back door.

She materialised in the dimming light of dusk, about half a kilometre from the house where he was staying. She took off at a steady pace. Now that she knew where she was going and what she wanted to do, she needed to get there as quickly as possible. Not another moment was she willing to waste. As the last rays of sun slid from the sky, the house came into view. The moon was rising and lit her way. She stood still for a moment and let the sounds and peacefulness of her surrounds soothe her. As her eyes became used to the dim light, she could see him sitting on an old rocking chair on the porch, silhouetted against the light from the house.

She called his name quietly. “Chakotay.”

The wind whipped the sound away. She moved closer, quietly climbing the stairs to stand by his chair. He looked like he was asleep. His eyes were closed and there was a gentle smile gracing his handsome features. She said his name again quietly, not wanting to startle him. “Chakotay.”

He took a deep breath and his smile broadened. Still with his eyes closed, he whispered her name. “Kathryn.”

She knelt beside the chair and touched his cheek ever so gently. She watched as he opened his eyes and slowly turned his head towards her. He was looking at her with those beautiful dark eyes that were filled with wonder and love. She reached over again and lightly traced his tattoo. “Chakotay.” She felt a tear trail down her face.

Whispering her name again, he sat forward and pulled her on to his lap. “Kathryn.” He held her tightly in his arms. She melted into his embrace as the hollow place inside her filled with love and joy at last. Her head rested on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Kathryn. I remembered. I finally remembered.” Tears of joy poured down her face. Too overcome, all she could do was nod her head. Then he said the words that would mend her wounded soul and fill her heart with joy. “I love you.”

She sat very still. This moment was too precious, too sacred. She smiled and then she said the words that would remove all the barriers from her heart and allow her to start her life anew. “I love you too, Chakotay.”

She smiled again, as he took a deep, deep breath. And holding him tight, she suddenly understood the real meaning of that word.

Home.

- _Fin_ -


End file.
